America Number One Fast Food Chain Restaurant Sandwich Roundup U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Tomorrow we celebrate the Independence of the United States of America and there is nothing more American than the fast-food restaurant. Chain restaurants are also something our nation can be proud of. After that it goes downhill quickly. What do we have besides incredible National Parks and National Football Leagues? I can't think of anything else. (Did you see that we have Citizenship Ceremonies in National Parks? I didn't know that. The cynic in me says that it won't last for long but for now I think it's pretty great.)

Do fast-food and chain restaurants represent our shared culture and uniquely American ideals, freedom and vision, or are they symbols of our laziness, homogeny and dwindling intellect? All of those things, probably.

To celebrate our nation's birthday I have compiled a roundup of all the sandwiches I have reviewed that are available from sea to shining sea. As our nation increasingly slides into a languid mental torpor I offer the following as the perfect reading material for letting your frontal lobe morph into xanthan gum.

These are listed by review number, location, sandwich type and finally, the rating I gave the sandwich. They are ranked highest rating to lowest.

#25. Taco Bell AM Crunchwrap with Sausage - 3.75
#66. McDonald's Sausage, Egg Biscuit - 3.5
#68. Chik-fil-A Chicken, Egg & Cheese Bagel - 3.5
#71. Panera Sausage, Egg & Cheese - 3.5
#55. Taco Bell Breakfast Quesalupa with Sausage - 3.4
#95. McDonald's Sausage, Egg McMuffin - 3.09
#42. Subway Bacon, Egg and Cheese - 2.98
#37. Einstein Bagels Bacon & Cheddar on Green Chile Bagel - 2.95
#17. McDonald's Sausage, Egg McMuffin - 2.29
#27. Hardee's Grilled Cheese Breakfast Sandwich w/Sausage - 2.19
#83. McDonald's Sausage, Egg McGriddle - 2.06
#93. Panera Sausage Egg & Cheese - 2.0
#14. Cracker Barrel Egg Sandwich + Sausage Biscuit - 1.99
#30. Burger King Bacon, Sausage, Egg & Cheese - 1.974
#12. Sonic Breakfast Toaster with Bacon - 1.56
#63. Denny's Two Moons Over My Hammy - 1.56
#21. Dunkin' Donuts Bacon, Egg & Cheese on Bagel - 1.27

I skimmed the reviews as I compiled them and my general impression is that the top rated sandwiches are rated a little too high. Also, #83 and #30 are two of the better reviews. I'm not sure my opinion is valid but I'm sharing it anyway.

Review #30 is by far the most read review of those listed and is the second most read review of all time. That stat is a bit misleading as it was shared on Reddit which pushed its numbers up dramatically. #17 is a distant second in terms of fast-food readership. I don't know why that one is more widely read than some of the others.

I had no idea I'd eaten so many mass produced sandwiches and I don't know if it makes me feel dirty or like an All-American Hero. I do know that tomorrow I'm going to eat some bratwurst.

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Breakfast Sandwich #94 - Kwik Trip aka You Be Trippin'

Sandwich: Sausage, Egg & Cheese Croissant
Location: Kwik Trip, somewhere in the Fox River Valley
Date: June 17, 2017
Cost: $2.69

I'm not a fan of Kwik Trip for reasons unrelated to breakfast sandwiches and I wasn't even aware they had them. I probably could have surmised as much but I never go there and simply never consider them for anything. That's not entirely true, I used the free air hose at a location a few months ago.

As a passenger on a road trip we stopped for gas and whatnot at a Kwik Trip somewhere in the Fox River Valley and there I learned they have a plethora of breakfast sandwich options. I probably should have taken a photo of the entire hot case, which was teeming with sandwiches and possibly breakfast burritos, since the Kwik Trip web site sucks and doesn't list the menu options in a convenient manner.

The hot case has informative signs with all the info you need to make your sandwich decision. Their web site may be shit but their POP signage game is strong. 

You may be accustomed to my crappy photos but you'll have to accept a further drop off in quality here. This was taken standing outside the store near the propane tanks which is why there is not the normal "cross section" photo showing the sandwich innards. 

The Sandwich - Sausage, Egg & Cheese Croissant. Of the many variations of sandwich offered I went with a classic with a twist. I've been on a sausage kick lately but you may recall I have lamented the use of croissants for sandwiches in past reviews. I don't think they make for a proper vessel and they often are too squishy to maintain integrity. For a grab & go style sandwich a croissant is a risky choice as it may not prove to be road worthy. We're all about risks here, clearly, so I went with this one. The real choice I made, the actual hardest decision, was to only buy one sandwich. I was fully aware that I may not ever come back and I thought I might try two varieties so as to conduct maximum research. Ultimately I made the selfish decision to stick to a single sandwich as I had a full day ahead of me and didn't want to feel like a rat trapped in a grease trap.

So, anyway. The croissant was shaped almost in a square which makes for a better sandwich than a normal, elongated croissant. I suspect they bio-engineer them this way for sandwich purposes and I have to give them credit for that. The sausage was more bland than I expected. For any fast food restaurant or gas station I assume the sausage will be salty and grisly but this was on the bland side, which I guess is better than grisly. The cheese was American and was melty from being in the hot case. The egg was the typical non-yolky-we-dont-take-any-chances variety you get from all these kinds of places that don't like to have any fun and make their employees wear stupid polo shirts. 

The Result - 2.69 I Probably Wasn't Going To Come Back Regardlesses out of 5 I Probably Wasn't Going To Come Back Regardlesses. This sandwich cost $2.69 and was worth every penny, exactly. My overall impressions of the sandwich were "bland" and "squishy". I kind of enjoyed the squishiness. I think it helped the whole thing sorta melt in my mouth and slide down my gullet, which may not sound good to you but it worked on this morning while standing in the parking lot. The blandness was less impressive as blandness is in any type of food or endeavor. It was an OK sandwich, and for the price, perfectly acceptable if you're in a hurry and have low expectations. A guy like me, I have higher expectations.

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Breakfast Sandwich #83 - McDonald's McGriddle aka McKu Review

McGriddle sandwich

Saturday morning taste test

exploring the hype

sausage, egg and cheese

breakfast sandwich cornerstones

served on griddle cakes

three seventy nine

standard fast food sandwich cost

tax not included

stamped with golden arch

is there a branding iron?

scarification

maple syrup smell

olfactory sensation

overpowering

by design, clearly

a trick to fool the taste buds

not this reporter

more smell than flavor

this sausage patty lacks verve

the cheese so melty

folded chicken egg

predictable like spring rain

yet I yearn for yolk

griddle cake breakdown

a proper sandwich vessel?

my sticky digits

now introspective

did this sandwich touch my soul

or give reach around?

an empty feeling

pervasive and incomplete

not a happy meal

two point six arch tats

out of five golden arch tats

I'm not loving it

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Breakfast Sandwich #68 - Chick-fil-A aka Double Down On The Chicken pt. II

Sandwich: Chicken, Egg & Cheese Bagel
Location: Chick-fil-A
Date: October 26, 2016
Cost: $3.65

Despite years of being subjected to the commercials where the cows tell you to eat more chicken chikin, I'd never been to a Chik-fil-A. I think they are new to the Madison area and the East Washington location just opened within the last month. I didn't even know that they offered breakfast items until I heard about the new location and did a little research. Actually, I didn't know anything about Chick-fil-A other than they sponsor the Peach Bowl and a couple of years ago there was something about them not liking gay stuff.

Putting aside their questionable stance on individual rights, I knew I had to do some breakfast sandwich research.

It was a dark and stormy morning as I pulled up to the Chick-fil-A drive thru...started the shittiest novel (or blog) ever. 

We have some oozy cheese there. Things don't look too bad.

Typical fast food egg.

The Sandwich - Chicken, Egg & Cheese Bagel. They offer bacon and sausage sandwiches, and burritos, but I didn't go to Chick-fil-A for that type of fare and I don't know why anybody would. I was tempted by those adorable Chick-n-Minis but those aren't really a breakfast sandwich. The drive thru description didn't list the bagel as a "Sunflower Multigrain Bagel", but that's what the web site calls it. Also, the drive thru menu didn't tell me that I could have gotten a spicy chicken breast, which I'm just now discovering and which I would have taken advantage of. That appears to be the only option offered (but you have to know about it in advance, I guess).

The chicken egg is fine but they're always overcooked at fast food places. The cheese was melty although I could have taken more of it. The chicken, I have to admit, was pretty dang good. I had low expectations thinking it would be greasy and salty and it was neither of those things. I guess you don't open over 1,950 restaurants by serving crappy chicken

The only problem, and it's a substantial problem, is the bagel. It's everything you think a crappy multigrain bagel would be. Chewy and doughy, not in a good way, and mostly flavorless in a "it tastes kinda healthy so I guess it's OK" kind of a way. I have no doubt that their biscuits or an English muffin would have been better.

The Result - 3.5 double doses of chicken out of 5 double doses of chicken. In the early days of this blog I did some work in the lab and made my own chicken sandwich with a chicken egg on it. I know DLUX also offers a chicken breakfast sandwich, and I'd like to try that. I like the concept of the chicken based breakfast sandwich but the Chick-fil-A version isn't the one for me. It would have better if it hadn't been on the recycled-corrugated-cardboard-flavored bagel, but I still don't think that would have made it an excellent sandwich. In the end it was just ok. I did enjoy the bouncy acidic flavor of their coffee.

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Breakfast Sandwich #27 - Hardee's aka You Play The Hand You're Dealt

Sandwich: Grilled Cheese Breakfast Sandwich w/Sausage
Location: Hardee's (East Washington Ave.)
Date: June 19, 2015
Cost: $3.79

I had the day off from work but I had an early appointment for blood work which meant I couldn't eat or drink anything prior. Naturally, this meant that I would be hungry and thinking about food as I drove to the hemoglobin factory. I was trying to think of someplace along the way that has breakfast sandwiches but I'd already visited the ones in the area that I knew were on the list. I was coming up empty.

Sometimes the universe sends you a sign. It may not be the sign you want, but it may be the sign you need.

Holy crap. I guess I need to stop.

So that's how it happened. Hardee's wasn't even on the list to review, somehow I had not considered them. I hadn't had Hardee's breakfast in well over a decade.

Since we're already talking about blood I'll relate this story. Years ago I had a job and we would sometimes work on the weekend. At some point in the morning somebody would make a run to Hardee's and bring back breakfast. One Saturday morning my coworker Tim Bob was eating his Hardee's Biscuits & Gravy and all of a sudden he made a horrible face and spit into his hand. It was a vein, about 3/4" long, maybe even 1" long, and about 1/8" diameter. I guess that's the risk you take when you eat dead animals but I was glad I had only ordered the cinnamon rolls.

I have photos of the rest of the breakfast menu board but I don't think you really need to see them.

It looks nicely toasted but that cheese isn't melted enough.

I don't know, it looks OK.

The Sandwich - Grilled Cheese Breakfast Sandwich w/Sausage. The other option is bacon. They're really pushing this new item, as soon as I pulled up to the order board they asked if I wanted to try the new Grilled Cheese Breakfast Sandwich. It's almost like they saw me taking a photo of the sign out by the road. The first taste when taking a bite was the salty sausage. That gave way to a paste-like texture, not really in a good way. I didn't know until I looked up their menu online that this sandwich has Swiss cheese on it. I thought it was paste. I felt like the weird kid in 4th grade art class who will eat paste just to get a reaction. I did a lot of dumb stuff in the 4th grade but I didn't eat paste. The bread looked pretty good but was kind of doughy and chewy. I guess the egg was fine and the American cheese was as expected. This sandwich just wasn't working for me. I felt bad eating it. I had just had blood drawn to check cholesterol and whatever else they check, and now I was eating this. 255 mg of cholesterol, 1820 mg of sodium, 17 g saturated fat and probably a vein or two. I don't think my Doctor reads this blog but he's going to see the test results so I can't deny it.

The Result - 2.19 veins out of 5 veins. It's probably not the worst breakfast sandwich I've ever had but it wasn't good. The overall mouth feel of this sandwich is its biggest downfall. Not much else to say about this but I'm going for a bike ride now to try and cleanse my aura and ventricles.

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