Monday, October 9, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #102 - Bob Evans aka Rubber Biscuit

Sandwich: Sausage Egg & Cheese
Location: Bob Evans
Date: October 1, 2017
Cost: $2.29

I wasn't even planning on having a breakfast sandwich this day. I was at the grocery store looking for my favorite flatbread but they had rearranged the bakery/bread section so I was jabbing around deep in the back corner of the store. I found the flat bread next to a refrigerated deli case that I generally pay no mind. That's when I saw individually wrapped Bob Evans Breakfast Sandwiches. Sometimes the sandwich finds you.

We don't have Bob Evans restaurants here, the store locator on the web site says there isn't one within 100 miles of me. Because of that, I have never been to a Bob Evans restaurant and I'm OK with that.
It's kind of cute.

I think I microwaved it a little too long The cheese was beyond melty.

That sausage patty looks as grey and gristly as Donald Trumps soul. 
The Sandwich - Sausage, Egg and Cheese. The instructions said microwave for 60 to 75 seconds. I went with 75 as my microwave is old and on the weaker side. That was probably a bit too long, the cheese liquefied, but the sandwich was plenty hot. There isn't much positive I can relate about this sandwich. The sausage tasted OK but the big takeaway was that the whole thing was just too chewy. It actually had a rubbery texture. The entire sandwich. It think each component was rubbery, with the exception of the now liquefied cheese. Rubber Biscuit, indeed. The muffin looks toasted but did not have the texture of toasted bread. I'm not going to waste any more time talking about this. I didn't enjoy it.

The Result - 1.83 Rubber Biscuits out of 5 Rubber Biscuits. I've had worse sandwiches but this one is down there at the bottom. Maybe if it was warmed in a toaster oven it would have taken on a different tone, but that wasn't an option listed for heating it. The only instructions were for microwave.  I can't believe I've made it to sandwich #102 and this is the first time "Rubber Biscuit" popped into my head. It was probably milling around my subconscious waiting for an opportunity and then it sprung at just the right moment. 

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #101 - Dobhan aka Hamaste

Sandwich: Dobhan Egg Sandwich
Location: Dobhan
Date: September 17, 2017
Cost: $9, with greens

Everything I've had at Dobhan has been delicious and yet I've only gone there a few times. I did have breakfast there several years ago, long before this sandwich quest began, and I did not have a breakfast sandwich. This is an amazing story so far, right? It's a real page turner (mouse scroller?).

I looked at the menu prior to going and I was hoping there would be some kind of Lamb & Egg Dosa special that I could pretend was a sandwich. I've reviewed crepes before and a dosa is about the same thing so that was my hope for the morning. That's right, I went into this planning to skirt the rules. Well, it didn't happen that way so I have no need to justify eating a dosa.
There was dosa, to be sure, just not the dosa I hoped for. 

Very pretty indeed.

Hamaste? That's really a stretch. Listen, I'm phoning this one in, OK?
The Sandwich - Dobhan Egg Sandwich. No options are offered. There were a couple of mysteries with this sandwich. The biggest is the ham - other items on the menu offer Nueske's ham, the sandwich only lists "ham", which was a single slice of what appeared to be standard deli ham. It could have ben Nueske ham but I really don't know. The other mystery is that the sandwich had cheese on it, which was not listed on the menu. I'm certainly not opposed to adding cheese to a sandwich, or pretty much anything other than say, toothpaste. In this case I think it was a swiss cheese. The chicken egg was hard scrambled, the tomato was juicy and in season, and the avocado was perfectly ripe. The lightly toasted sourdough bread buttressed everything handily and was a welcome choice. I can't remember the last time I had a breakfast sandwich on sourdough but I think it's an excellent vehicle for eggs and their friends. Oh yes, the greens. I always like greens with my breakfast sandwich and these were particularly fresh and sprightly.

The Result - 3.965 mystery hams out of 5 mystery hams. This was a good sandwich but I was slightly confused about the ham and the cheese. The ham was essentially lost among the other flavors with the sourdough, egg, tomato and avocado stepping to the forefront. And that was OK, it was tasty, but there was still a whiff of confusion. 

I don't know, maybe I really just wanted a lamb and egg dosa and I'm taking out my frustrations on the ham.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #100 - Players Sports Bar aka Divine Non-Intervention

Sandwich: Buzzy with Bacon
Location: Players Sports Bar & Grill
Date: September 16, 2017
Cost: $7.50, with cheesy hash browns

Whoa. 100 sandwiches is a lot of sandwiches to review so excuse me while I pat myself on the back and dab my eyes with a slightly greasy napkin. Just give me a minute to pull myself together. I couldn't have done it without all of you and those amazing people who get up early on Saturday and Sunday mornings to make sandwiches for all of us. With apologies to Kevin Durant, they are the real MVP. Actually, I could have done it without you, but I appreciate you reading these things anyway. I'm not sure they serve a purpose or fulfill a greater good but here we are. We have sifted and winnowed and fought and cried and I think we are better people for it. Truly.

I thought my 100th review should be special. I wasn't sure what that would be, but I started thinking about it sometime around sandwich #95. I ruled out going to McDonald's for the 6th time.

And then an opportunity presented itself. Through casual conversation I learned that The Buzzy Sandwich at Players is named after a person named Buzzy. The person that told me this also knows Mr. Buzzy and the Buzzy family. You might recall that this endeavor began with a Buzzy Sandwich back on New Years Day, 2015 and I reviewed The Buzzy again 20 months later just to see how things were holding up. A discussion was started about how I might have a Buzzy with Mr. Buzzy. I'm not one to believe in invisible forces that somehow interject themselves into our daily lives but this was a pretty strong signal from the Sandwich Gods, or whoever. This would be how sandwich #100 goes down. Unless it isn't.

I may not believe in divine intervention but I firmly believe that timing plays a crucial role in our lives. Everything is about timing. Meeting the right person at the right time in your life can lead to blissful love, a new career or playing harmonica with Yo-Yo Ma. Whatever. But the timing has to be right. If the timing is off, you got nothing. So, while I say I don't believe in divine intervention I do believe in divine non-intervention, or something like that. 

All of this is leading up to me saying that I did not have a Buzzy with Mr. Buzzy. So it goes. I did, however, have a Buzzy sandwich.

Jaunty triangles
Tantalizing purity
The Buzzy sandwich

"You sure do look purdy".
The Sandwich - The Buzzy with bacon. Important note!! I did not take a photo of the menu but The Buzzy is no longer offered with sausage but it is now available with a hamburger patty. That sounds pretty damn tasty but it did get me to thinking about how it would all hold together. The Texas toast is substantial and would probably be up to the task but there is no substitute for testing your theories in the field. Your other option is ham. As with my previous Buzzy sandwiches, I selected bacon. For my 100th sandwich (pause for applause) I thought I should pay tribute to my original sandwich and get back to my roots. Sometimes when you're on a long journey it's good to pause and reflect on where you started. Hence, the bacon. No regrets. There isn't much to say about this sandwich that I haven't already said. The chicken eggs were cooked a little more than I prefer but there was plenty of cheese to offset that (note the photo - there is a cheese slice top AND bottom. That is advanced level sandwiching.) The bacon, egg and cheese ratios blend perfectly and the Texas toast is the proper vehicle to get this crammed into your maw. If I have any complaint is that it's a touch too salty. I think maybe it's the toast that pushes the sodium level in to the red line.

The Result - 4.5 Divine Non-Interventions out of 5 Divine Non-Interventions. This was an excellent sandwich. They are very consistent with The Buzzy and that is important. It was only the saltiness that kept this rating at 4.5 which is still an amazing ranking. There may or may not have been a single salty tear that ran down down my cheek and onto my sandwich, the result of not meeting Mr. Buzzy. You can't argue with timing though, and when the time is right, I believe I will meet Mr. Buzzy.

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Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #99 - Starbucks aka Maybe You've Heard Of It

Sandwich: Sausage, Egg and Cheddar
Location: Starbucks (East Washington Ave.)
Date: September 12, 2017
Cost: $3.45

I think Starbucks is the last national chain for me to visit in the Madison area. I hope so, at least. I need to be free of these chains. There are a few local places I've been meaning to get to but time has not allowed and Starbucks was an easy stop before work. I needed to put this notch in my sandwich belt so I could move on to actual cafes and restaurants. Please God - do not allow Arby's to start selling breakfast sandwiches in the Madison area.

So, there I was at Starbucks. The line for the drive thru was predictably long at 8:15 am but I was planning on going inside anyway. I didn't want to lose whatever freshness the sandwich might have had by waiting until I got to work to eat it.

They have several choices of breakfast sandwich. I had no idea. I guess I don't go to Starbucks very often. I was in the mood for sausage so I didn't think about it too much. (Also, I've been making bacon-based sandwiches at home lately but not writing about them as they aren't really lab experiments. I haven't been pushing the sandwich envelope, just making simple, tasty sandwiches. Pro tip - if you're going to cook your chicken egg inside a Mason jar lid to get that "perfect puck" egg, use plenty of non-stick spray or your egg will stick to the lid and it tears the edges apart and it looks like it's been nibbled by vermin.)

Kinda sad looking.

I didn't have a knife so this was cut with my incisors. It was not nibbled by vermin. 
The Sandwich - Sausage, Egg and Cheddar. These sandwiches come out of sealed plastic bag so while you have several choices you don't have any options once you have made your selection. Starbucks isn't really a food place - everything comes out of bag from a kitchen factory somewhere. For all I know this sandwich was assembled by robots. The chicken egg was exactly what you expect for a pre-packaged sandwich (if you're new to this blog that isn't a good thing.) The microwave setting melted the cheese perfectly - kudos to the Starbucks lab technicians who tested that down to the microsecond. The sandwich was nice and hot. The sausage was actually pretty good. It hit the spot I was hoping it would. Despite being microwaved the English Muffin held up fairly well and wasn't soggy. This is by no means a messy sandwich so it really didn't have it's mettle tested, but it worked.

The Result - 2.75 Breaking The Chains out of 5 Breaking The Chains. This sandwich was fine. It was OK. It was actually tasty in some ways. I can see how it would tide you over until lunch if you're on your way to work. But, it's a $2.75 sandwich masquerading as a $3.45 sandwich. That's not cutting it for this reporter. I swipe left. (I'm going to assume there is a sandwich blog out there where the reviewer either "swipes left" or "swipes right" on a sandwich and that is the review. I'm not going to Google it. You go ahead though. If that doesn't exist it seems like a perfectly good idea for some snarky millennial to pursue.)

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Friday, August 4, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #98 - Ian's Pizza aka Nobody Thinks Pizza Is Sandwich

Sandwich: Breakfast Pizza - Denver Omelet, Meat Lovers.
Location: Ian's Pizza (State Street)
Date: July 29, 2017
Cost: $4

Pizza isn't sandwich. Nobody thinks it is. There is no reason to discuss this further.

A better topic might be to discuss the validity of "breakfast pizza". Breakfast pizza has been around for awhile (I know that is vague but I'm simply not going to do any research on this) and it's popular enough to warrant several options in the freezer section at your local grocer, but I feel it is a relatively new offering at local pizzarias. I believe it is new to Ian's, but it's also available at Glass Nickel, and there is a pie at Salvatore's called "Carbonara" that has soft cooked eggs on it. I've heard Echo Tap has one as well but it's not shown on their menu. There are probably others, but again, I just don't care to do the research. You should though. Please do, and report back with your findings. You have an assignment now. This is fun. I have faith in you.

Straight out of the gate I have to reveal my bias. I think all pizza is breakfast pizza and am firmly in the camp that believes cold pizza is a good breakfast. I've always felt this way and have proudly and happily munched on cold pizza for breakfast hundreds of times. This will never change.

I can't remember when I first heard about breakfast pizza, it was likely many years ago, and honestly, I can't recall what my thoughts were at the time. My opinion now, as I sit here as a respected (not true) and renowned (also not true) reviewer of breakfast sandwiches, is that it's somewhat gimmicky. It strikes me as an attempt to mix two different foods to create a new Superfood that is somehow better than the sum of it's parts, e.g. Taco Pizza. (Note - I have had tasty Taco Pizza but ultimately I want either tacos, or pizza, in their traditional form.) I suppose this says more about me than anything else and I am not categorically against blending of foods if that's what you're into*. If you want a Turkey Club Pizza I think you should have it. That's wonderful. There will be no pizza or sandwich shaming for that. I reserve sandwich shaming for terrible sandwiches, which are sadly all too plentiful.

With that in mind I biked up to the Farmer's Market on an absolutely perfect Saturday morning with the sole goal of trying some breakfast pizza. I wanted to make the trip worth my time so I ordered two slices.
Denver Omelette.

Meat Lovers.
The Slices - Denver Omelette and Meat Lovers. This was a tough decision. There were four slices I was considering. I knew I wanted to try two but three sounded like way too much. I passed on the Biscuits & Gravy option although I was tempted by the bulbous outcroppings of presumably flaky biscuit. The other temptation was the Mediterranean Delight with those salty kalamata olives. At no point did I consider the Huevos Rancheros pizza.

Denver Omelette - Tator Tots, Bell Peppers, Onions, Pepper, Ham, Eggs, & Cheddar Cheese. Those little tater tot bites pretty much sealed the deal on this one. Anything that reminds me of Potato Ole's is going to make a strong case for itself although the taste of the tots kind of got lost in everything here. I expected this to be salty due to the ham and tots, and while it was, it also had a slightly sweet flavor. Maybe that was the crust? The peppers had a nice crunch to them and the peppers and onion are the predominant flavors. The egg is supposed to take the place of the tomato sauce but it just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's a mental block on my part - expecting the regular saucy flavor and texture and not getting it. It's not an omelette and it's not pizza. Omelezza?

Meat Lovers - Breakfast Sausage, Bacon, Wisconsin Maple Syrup, & Eggs. The dude told me this slice also has a light layer of mozzarella on it although they don't list that on the menu. This one almost lost out to the Biscuits & Gravy but the inclusion of sausage AND bacon was what finally made me choose this. If you're a regular reader you know I often speak of the choice between sausage and bacon so when offered both at the same time I had to try it. It turned out to be a better slice in concept than in execution. The sausage was dry and the maple syrup flavor dominated in a way that I didn't appreciate. As with the other slice I missed the tomato sauce (although this could very well be a Pavlovian response to having a slice of pizza in my hand).

The Results - 3.18 (Denver Omelette) and 2.79 (Meat Lovers) That Ain't No Sandwiches out of 5 That Ain't No Sandwiches. I am willing to concede that these ratings are affected by my personal biases and preconceptions. I can't help that. I just didn't enjoy either slice all that much. I may dabble in breakfast pizza again but it's far more likely I'll be eating a leftover slice of cold pepperoni and onion while making a sandwich to take to work.

Note - I believe each slice was $4. That is the cost of a specialty slice, but I don't remember what my total was that day.

*Speaking of blending foods, have you tried the Mac 'n Cheese Brats from Jim's Meat Market? They're new this year (I think) and are not listed on the web site but they seem to have them all the time. They are excellent. I haven't eaten a whole one on a bun, they function perfectly as a sliced up little snack while you grill other items.

Happy National Sandwich Month, everybody. Let's make it a memorable one.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #97 - McDonald's aka Again? Are You McFucking Kidding Me?

Sandwich: Egg McMuffin
Location: McDonald's (East Washington Ave.)
Date: July 22, 2017
Cost: $3.39

At this point you probably think I'm a corporate shill, bought and paid for by Big Sandwich to lobby for their interests on Capitol Hill or in some tiny, fetid backwater of the internet. I understand why you could think that. I reviewed McDonald's just over a month ago and if you're keeping track you know this is my FIFTH trip to a McDonald's, which is embarrassing.

Just read on and keep an open mind. McPlease. I'm just a McRegular guy reviewing McSandwiches of my own accord I would never let outside forces or McSponsorships stain my McIntegrity. I hope by now you would understand this. This has been a long journey and some of of you have been along for the entire ride so you know where I'm coming from.

What's important is to understand why I went back to McDonald's. The reasons are three-fold and they are intertwined and they are as follows.

#A) Convenience. That's right, McDonald's entire business model is built on convenience and that hooked me on this Saturday morning. I was out running errands and I wanted a fancy and delicious breakfast sandwich but didn't want to expend the time and effort to get such a thing. A quick and easy sandwich would sate my hunger and provide an opportunity for a review. See #B.

#B) A sense of obligation. If you think I take the readership here for granted, you are wrong. Any publisher will tell that it's important to provide regular content. You people are like sponges in the condiment aisle. You're sopping up the glorpy knowledge I'm throwing down. If I don't provide it, you'll go elsewhere. There are thousands of sandwich blogs you could be reading instead of this one.

#C) Completism. If you read review #95 you know I was shocked and disappointed that I had somehow neglected to review the all-time classic breakfast sandwich, the Egg McMuffin. This oversight had to be corrected before I hit sandwich #100. It was chasm in my research that called out to be filled.

Slightly defective muffin.

Not, you know, sexy looking.
The Sandwich - Egg McMuffin. At this point it's ubiquitous. It's the trunk of the breakfast sandwich family tree. All other breakfast sandwiches are indebted to the Egg McMuffin in some way.

After all this buildup I have to admit I was mostly disappointed with this sandwich. The overall texture was rubbery (not in a good way) and while it had less of a salty flavor than I thought it would, it didn't have much flavor at all. The muffin was toasty and had a light crunch and the cheese was melty, but those factors were not nearly enough to bring this sandwich into a positive light. 

There isn't much else to say about this sandwich. It was unimpressive and forgettable. 

The Result - 1.43 McFuck Its out of 5 McFuck Its. This sandwich moved from my Bucket List to my McFuck It List in the blink of an eye. It's hard out there for a sandwich, even a classic like the Egg McMuffin. The Egg McMuffin is surrounded by sandwich competition from within the golden arches, AND all the other fast food chains, AND all the coffee and donut shops, AND all these boutique sandwich joints sprouting up in every city. Somehow it has hung around all these years so it must have it's fans and supporters. Not this reporter.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #96 - Tavernakaya aka Nice Buns!

Sandwich: Egg & Cheese Brunch Buns
Location: Tavernakaya
Date: July 2, 2017
Cost: $12

I had never been to Tavernakaya. I hadn't even considered it as a possible location for a breakfast sandwich or bun, as it were. A mantou bun is not technically a sandwich, it depends on if you consider steamed buns to be bread. If you define bread as requiring baking then these buns aren't going to qualify. I don't know and don't much care. I'm getting fast and loose with the rules around here since I passed the benchmark of 52 sandwiches long ago and there have already been reviews of crepes and open-faced sandwiches. One day a review of a breakfast burrito will appear here and all manner of outrage will be flung in my general direction and it still won't matter a lick. So what.

When I sat down at Tavernakaya it felt like it had been months since I had had a breakfast sandwich at a proper restaurant. If you don't count the bullshit sandwich I had at Panera (I don't) you have to go back to May 28 to find a decent sandwich arepa. That isn't very long ago, but it felt like an eternity. That's what happens when you eat a breakfast sandwich while standing in a parking lot (#94) or sitting in a car (#95).

If I hadn't snapped this photo I'd be hard pressed to remember what was in these.

Three little pigs - chorizo, ham, bacon. Also, sometimes you order a greyhound and you're expecting white grapefruit juice but it comes with pink and if it weren't for your delicious sandwiches you'd probably be sad. 

The real reason I took this is to bring back the memory of the tactile sensation that is the squeezing of the bun. 
The Sandwiches (Buns) - This would have been a hell of a lot easier if I had ordered three of the same but that wasn't going to happen. First, let's be clear that I did NOT order the House-Smoked Tofu option. I'm sure it's delicious but that isn't how we do things around here. You know this.

I could, and may, go on at length about the mantou buns 馒头 alone. You've had them. You know how wonderful they feel in your fingers. These had the perfect amount of taut-squishiness that feels oh so right in your hands. A gentle squeeze yields to the pressure, and when you release a light imprint is left for just a split second and then the bun snaps back to it's original form. I could squeeze these buns all day. I may take some into work and have them at my desk instead of one of those stress relieving balls that nobody actually uses.

The eggs are scrambled on all of these. A runny egg wouldn't really work here and I'm not even going to hold that against them.

OK, let's get down to business.

House-Made Chorizo. The only previous chorizo based breakfast sandwich I reviewed was back in February of 2015. Is that possible? Maybe I missed one. This chorizo was excellent for this situation. Not too greasy or cinnamony, it was suited for these buns. At a taqueria I could see wanting a greasier version, but for these, it was perfect. The avocado crema gave this bun a cool viscosity and blended well with the eggs. Cilantro was a crucial touch on this one. I give it a 4.55 overall.

Nueske's Ham. You've heard me praise Nueske's Ham at length so I won't do it again here. It's always fantastic. Here is where my skills as a reviewer are exposed for the fraud that they are. At the time I thought they had mistakingly put the spicy mayo from the bacon bun on this bun, instead of the togarashi maple. They look the same in the photo above. When I tasted a pepper spice I thought that was what happened but now I'm sitting here with a search engine and I find that togarashi 唐辛子 is chili pepper. I think I got hung up on the spiciness and didn't take into account the subtle maple. At this point I can't be sure. What I can say is that this bun had a richness and heavenly salty flavor that was delightful and made this my favorite. I give it a solid 4.85 even though I didn't know the word for chili pepper in Mandarin or even Cantonese.

Bacon. This one had bacon on it, hence it's clever name. This was a solid bun but I feel it is included simply because they have to have a bacon version on the menu. People think of brunch, they think of bacon, here is that bacon. There was nothing wrong with this bun, the spicy mayo and scallions gave it that extra touch. Although it was my least favorite (one of them had to be) it's still a good 4.31 on the sandwich scale.

If I had to do this all over again and I were me I would order two of the Nueske's Ham and one of the Chorizo and I think I'd be happy as a pig in...a bun.

Finally, I feel compelled to comment on the house salad. It was very lightly dressed mixed greens and if you're up to speed on my reviews you know I appreciate these as a side during breakfast. I find them to be refreshing alternative to potatoes.

The Result(s) - 4.57 Bun Averages out of 5 Bun Averages. I did the math and that seems like a good rating. These buns were excellent. Nice buns! $12 might seem a touch expensive for these but you aren't going to get this level of quality for much less than that.

Monday, July 3, 2017

America Number One Fast Food Chain Restaurant Sandwich Roundup U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Tomorrow we celebrate the Independence of the United States of America and there is nothing more American than the fast-food restaurant. Chain restaurants are also something our nation can be proud of. After that it goes downhill quickly. What do we have besides incredible National Parks and National Football Leagues? I can't think of anything else. (Did you see that we have Citizenship Ceremonies in National Parks? I didn't know that. The cynic in me says that it won't last for long but for now I think it's pretty great.)

Do fast-food and chain restaurants represent our shared culture and uniquely American ideals, freedom and vision or are they symbols of our laziness, homogeny and dwindling intellect? All of those things, probably.

To celebrate our nation's birthday I have compiled a roundup of all the sandwiches I have reviewed that are available from sea to shining sea. As our nation increasingly slides into a languid mental torpor I offer the following as the perfect reading material for letting your frontal lobe morph into xanthan gum.

These are listed by review number, location, sandwich type and finally, the rating I gave the sandwich. They are ranked highest rating to lowest.

#25. Taco Bell AM Crunchwrap with Sausage - 3.75
#66. McDonald's Sausage, Egg Biscuit - 3.5
#68. Chik-fil-A Chicken, Egg & Cheese Bagel - 3.5
#71. Panera Sausage, Egg & Cheese - 3.5
#55. Taco Bell Breakfast Quesalupa with Sausage - 3.4
#95. McDonald's Sausage, Egg McMuffin - 3.09
#42. Subway Bacon, Egg and Cheese - 2.98
#37. Einstein Bagels Bacon & Cheddar on Green Chile Bagel - 2.95
#17. McDonald's Sausage, Egg McMuffin - 2.29
#27. Hardee's Grilled Cheese Breakfast Sandwich w/Sausage - 2.19
#83. McDonald's Sausage, Egg McGriddle - 2.06
#93. Panera Sausage Egg & Cheese - 2.0
#14. Cracker Barrel Egg Sandwich + Sausage Biscuit - 1.99
#30. Burger King Bacon, Sausage, Egg & Cheese - 1.974
#12. Sonic Breakfast Toaster with Bacon - 1.56
#63. Denny's Two Moons Over My Hammy - 1.56
#21. Dunkin' Donuts Bacon, Egg & Cheese on Bagel - 1.27

I skimmed the reviews as I compiled them and my general impression is that the top rated sandwiches are rated a little too high. Also, #83 and #30 are two of the better reviews. I'm not sure my opinion is valid but I'm sharing it anyway.

Review #30 is by far the most read review of those listed and is the second most read review of all time. That stat is a bit misleading as it was shared on Reddit which pushed its numbers up dramatically. #17 is a distant second in terms of fast-food readership. I don't know why that one is more widely read than some of the others.

I had no idea I'd eaten so many mass produced sandwiches and I don't know if it makes me feel dirty or like an All-American Hero. I do know that tomorrow I'm going to eat some bratwurst.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #95 - McDonald's aka McQuartet

Sandwich: Sausage Egg McMuffin
Location: McDonald's, Little Chute, WI
Date: June 18, 2017
Cost: $3.09

Nobody wants to read about another McMuffin. I know this. It still counts as research.  It's research I can totally phone in though, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

This sandwich came into my life as part of the same road trip that brought you Sandwich #94. There I was at a Mobil/McDonald's in Little Chute, Wisconsin on Sunday morning and I was facing down the digital menu boards. I knew I had reviewed the McGriddle as Sandwich #83 (in what I think is one of my finest reviews. It's a fucking masterpiece, OK?) and there was a sausage sandwich of some sort (Sandwich #66) and there was the another McMuffin way back in the early days (Sandwich #17) but I wasn't sure which one it was. I knew I wasn't going to get the Steak, Egg & Cheese Biscuit. This may be a safe space for unencumbered research but in my head there is a venn diagram that consists of "Steak" and "Things To Order at McDonald's" and you could sail an aircraft carrier between those circles (I think that means it isn't really a Venn diagram but we don't get into math here). It did not occur to me until just now that this would be my fourth review of a McDonald's product. This is embarrassing.

I didn't want to think about it anymore so I ordered the Sausage, Egg McMuffin knowing it was likely that I had already reviewed it.
The color of this is all weird from the tint of the car windows. It was on my lap and I didn't grab a plastic knife and wouldn't have been able to cut it half very well anyway. You know what a McMuffin looks like, right?
The Sandwich - Sausage, Egg McMuffin. I could have/should have ordered the classic Egg McMuffin with Canadian Bacon. It turns out I have not reviewed that, which is a major oversight on my part. Crap. The McMuffin isn't a bad sandwich. It's set the bar for grab and go breakfast sandwiches in the psyche of America simply due to it's longevity and ubiquity.

The muffin could have used a bit more toasting but the cheese was melty and the sausage had more flavor than my sandwich the day before. The egg was a perfect egg puck and was cooked through as is the practice at these types of places. 

The Result - 3.09 Accidental Quartet of Reviews out of 5 Accidental Quartet of Reviews. This sandwich hit the spot on this day but I was hungry and in a car. It wasn't great but I enjoyed it. It cost $3.09 so that's the rating I'm giving it even if that seems a little high. Chances are you've had one of these and you already know what they taste like. I don't have anything else to say about it. 

Epilogue - Now That I've completed this review let's compare past ratings of McDonald's items. This will be a lot of fun.

#17. March 29, 2015. Sausage, Egg McMuffin. 2.29
#66. September 16, 2016. Sausage, Egg Biscuit. 3.50
#83. February 2, 2017. Sausage, Egg McGriddle. 2.60
#95. June 18, 2017. Sausage, Egg McMuffin. 3.09

I don't know what it is that causes me to order sausage at McDonald's, I'm normally more of a bacon guy. 

Monday, June 19, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #94 - Kwik Trip aka You Be Trippin'

Sandwich: Sausage, Egg & Cheese Croissant
Location: Kwik Trip, somewhere in the Fox River Valley
Date: June 17, 2017
Cost: $2.69

I'm not a fan of Kwik Trip for reasons unrelated to breakfast sandwiches and I wasn't even aware they had them. I probably could have surmised as much but I never go there and simply never consider them for anything. That's not entirely true, I used the free air hose at a location a few months ago.

As a passenger on a road trip we stopped for gas and whatnot at a Kwik Trip somewhere in the Fox River Valley and there I learned they have a plethora of breakfast sandwich options. I probably should have taken a photo of the entire hot case, which was teeming with sandwiches and possibly breakfast burritos, since the Kwik Trip web site sucks and doesn't list the menu options in a convenient manner.

The hot case has informative signs with all the info you need to make your sandwich decision. Their web site may be shit but their POP signage game is strong. 

You may be accustomed to my crappy photos but you'll have to accept a further drop off in quality here. This was taken standing outside the store near the propane tanks which is why there is not the normal "cross section" photo showing the sandwich innards. 
The Sandwich - Sausage, Egg & Cheese Croissant. Of the many variations of sandwich offered I went with a classic with a twist. I've been on a sausage kick lately but you may recall I have lamented the use of croissants for sandwiches in past reviews. I don't think they make for a proper vessel and they often are too squishy to maintain integrity. For a grab & go style sandwich a croissant is a risky choice as it may not prove to be road worthy. We're all about risks here, clearly, so I went with this one. The real choice I made, the actual hardest decision, was to only buy one sandwich. I was fully aware that I may not ever come back and I thought I might try two varieties so as to conduct maximum research. Ultimately I made the selfish decision to stick to a single sandwich as I had a full day ahead of me and didn't want to feel like a rat trapped in a grease trap.

So, anyway. The croissant was shaped almost in a square which makes for a better sandwich than a normal, elongated croissant. I suspect they bio-engineer them this way for sandwich purposes and I have to give them credit for that. The sausage was more bland than I expected. For any fast food restaurant or gas station I assume the sausage will be salty and grisly but this was on the bland side, which I guess is better than grisly. The cheese was American and was melty from being in the hot case. The egg was the typical non-yolky-we-dont-take-any-chances variety you get from all these kinds of places that don't like to have any fun and make their employees wear stupid polo shirts

The Result - 2.69 I Probably Wasn't Going To Come Back Regardlesses out of 5 I Probably Wasn't Going To Come Back Regardlesses. This sandwich cost $2.69 and was worth every penny, exactly. My overall impressions of the sandwich were "bland" and "squishy". I kind of enjoyed the squishiness. I think it helped the whole thing sorta melt in my mouth and slide down my gullet, which may not sound good to you but it worked on this morning while standing in the parking lot. The blandness was less impressive as blandness is in any type of food or endeavor. It was an OK sandwich, and for the price, perfectly acceptable if you're in a hurry and have low expectations. A guy like me, I have higher expectations.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #93 - Panera aka Fool Me Twice, Won't Get Fooled Again

Sandwich: Sausage, Egg & Cheese
Location: Panera Bread
Date: June 10, 2017
Cost: $4.29

I had an early appointment on the east side with plans to go out for breakfast immediately after. When I learned that my destination of choice would not open for another hour I had to come up with a new angle. The only place on the far east side that I could think of that I haven't reviewed is IHOP, and that didn't strike me as a particularly good option. Still, I pulled up their menu on my phone to see what their breakfast sandwich offerings are. Things weren't looking so good. The only breakfast sandwich listed is the Ham & Egg Melt and that gave me flashbacks to the awful Moons Over My Hammy sandwich from Denny's. That was enough to steer me away from IHOP.

Potbelly's has recently relocated and I know that they offer breakfast sandwiches at some of their locations, but this one was closed. It turns out none of the Madison locations offer breakfast. Then I saw Panera. I had already reviewed Panera in 2016 but figured I would order something different and there could still be sandwich enlightenment.

Sometimes if the top part is a little crooked it looks jaunty and cheeky but this time it just looks like somebody doesn't give a fuck about their work.

<sad trombone sound>
The Sandwich - Sausage, Egg and Cheese. Generally I will order the bacon sandwich if a menu has options. I didn't look up my previous Panera review and assumed I would have ordered bacon, so I went with sausage this time. As I write this I am learning that I ordered sausage on my previous trip as well, so we have consistent data here for comparison. Or, we're just wasting our time. I have pulled up the link to the previous review but have not read it so as not to color my opinions today.

They don't offer choice of cheese or bread, which is odd considering "bread" is part of their name. They also don't offer additional toppings although they have them on hand. When you order a Sausage, Egg and Cheese sandwich that's exactly what you get. According to my receipt the cheese is a white cheddar. The bread is ciabatta.

The bread was nicely toasted and had an outer crunch I liked but things went downhill fast after that. The cheese was melted and gooey and was the overwhelming flavor here. The sausage may be the blandest sausage I've ever had. If you had told me later than it was a vegan-tempeh-fauxsage I would have believed you. There isn't much to say about the egg. Like all chain restaurants, it was cooked so as to reduce the risk of foodborne illness, which is to say there was no runny yolk. 

The Result - 2 Mistaken Repeat Reviews out of 5 Mistaken Repeat Reviews. I'm giving a point for the bread and a point for the cheese. This wasn't a terrible sandwich but it didn't have much going for it, it was mostly just bland. Everything about this visit was bland. The idea to go there was bland. All the people eating there were bland (SHIT! I was one of those people!) Next time I'll look at my old reviews so I don't wander down the same bland path. It's my own damn fault, hell, my previous review was named "I Think I'm Done With Chain Restaurants". If I had looked that up I might have just gone home instead of getting fooled again. Shame on me

Epilogue - Now that I have finished this review I went back to read about my first Panera experience. In both cases I used the word "sad" in a photo caption. Although this sandwich was assembled better I gave it a much lower rating. Reading the previous review the score of 3.5 seems way too generous. In the previous review I said the sausage wasn't too salty or grisly but didn't complain of the absence of flavor. In both cases I grumbled about the egg being overcooked for my tastes - nothing new about that, is there?

Monday, May 29, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #92 - La Taguara aka Oh, The Passion

Sandwich: Breakfast Arepa
Location: La Taguara
Date: May 28, 2017
Cost: $5.99

My love for La Taguara is deep and true but I had not yet been there for the brunch menu. It was only a matter of time.

They have two breakfast arepas, a vegetarian version and a normal version.

Breakfast Arepa

Our specialty hot bun made of ground white corn filled with scramble eggs, ham and your choice of white or cheddar cheese

I also had never tried their juices but it seemed like a nice paring with a breakfast sandwichpita pocket, arepa.

I ordered the papelon con limon (sugar cane with lime juice) but she warned me it was very sweet and gave me a taste. It was a bit too sweet for me so she suggested the jugo de parchita (passion fruit) and gave me a taste of that. Zoinks! That's the stuff. 

I only have one photo but it's a good one. I should have taken a photo of the juice. It was downright radiant. 
The Sandwich - Breakfast Arepa. The only option offered is white or cheddar cheese. White cheese seemed more traditional so I ordered that, but I have no idea if that is correct. I suspect cheddar would be excellent on this as well. It might even be better with the cheddar. The arepa arrives wrapped snugly in paper so all your tasty morsels don't fall out. It really is a beautiful sandwich - look at it! The bun is lightly grilled/toasted so it has a tiny bit of crunch, but remains a slightly chewy, in a good way. The ham is crisped and mixed in with the scrambled eggs with the cheese sprinkled on top. It's served with a creamy sauce on the side. I should have asked what it was but it's perfect for drizzling along the exposed edge. I think it's a thin sour cream.

The Result - 4.70 Passionate Pita Pockets out of 5 Passionate Pita Pockets. I loved this sandwich, which is not really a pita pocket cause it's not in a pita, but I couldn't resist the alliteration. Who cares? The salty ham mixed with the eggs and cheese is just about perfect. It is a little on the salty side, which was fine with me, and the sweet passion fruit juice was a nice balance to that. The arepa is a hearty offering for $5.99 and while the juice might seem a bit pricey at $2.49 it's served in a large glass without ice and is worth every penny.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #91 - Farm Fresh Double-Decker Homemade Jobber

Sandwich #91: Bacon, American cheese, farm fresh chicken eggs, red pepper spread, Bay's multi-grain English Muffin
Location: The Laboratory
Date: May 9, 2017


I had no intention of reporting on any research from the lab but the invisible forces that control the sandwich universe had other ideas. In other words, somebody gave me some eggs. This came hot on the heels of Sandwiches #89 and #90 which were developed based on hot tips given to me by various lovers of sandwiches. Together, we are advancing the sandwich arts and for this we should all be proud.

A longtime reader, and provider of Sandwich #6, has moved to the country and is the keeper of a brood of hens. He contacted me the other day to see if I wanted some eggs for an upcoming sandwich review. (This somewhat answers a question that has been bothering me - what do those chicken people do with all those fucking eggs?) I accepted those eggs, naturally, and here we are.
Fresh from the farm. I knew right away I was going to cook up that green martian egg.
I felt that if I was going to go back into the lab and poop out another review of a homemade sandwich I needed an angle besides "farm fresh eggs". All I came up with was making a double-decker which would use up two eggs and two slices of American cheese. Admittedly, this is a rather weak excuse for denying you people a review of a real sandwich from a real restaurant. Controller of the Sandwich Universe don't care about your feelings right now. So here we are. 

The Sandwich - Usinger's bacon, American cheese, farm fresh chicken eggs, red pepper spread, Bay's multi-grain English Muffin. First, I want to point out that these eggs came from actual farm chickens, not some of those punk-ass city chickens that live on Jennifer Street and have a Bernie 2016 sticker on their coop. I was sure this would affect the flavor. (It did not.) I succeeded in cooking the eggs over medium so there would be plenty of yolky ooze. I did not use the Mason jar lid cooking method. The blueprint for this sandwich was simple: toasted muffin base, egg, slice of cheese, bacon, egg, slice of cheese, toasted muffin top with red pepper spread. I thought the eggs were just right and when I cut it in half on the cutting board I had my proof. Luckily I was able to easily transfer all that yolk over to my plate.

Fear not - the cheese did melt some more.

Double your eggs, double your yolk.

The Result - It was delicious but maybe just a little too much. American cheese is tasty and it melts beautifully but two slices paired with the eggs was a little thick on the tongue. The red pepper spread was added in the hope that it would help combat this but it wasn't enough. This sandwich could have used something vinegary to help break it down - pickle slices or giardiniera would have been good. I had plenty of yolk to mop up with the muffin and that was wonderful. I only went with a single layer of bacon so this whole thing wouldn't get entirely out of control. I think that was a wise choice. 

And that is that. I would like to promise you a review of a sandwich from a local establishment but I'm afraid it is out of my hands. I have resigned myself to play whatever cards the Sandwich Gods deal me. If you want to read a review of a sandwich from a restaurant I suggest you pray that the winds guide me there. Pray hard. Pray like a motherfucker. If you want to read reviews of homemade sandwiches (you don't), suggest a fresh angle or come over to my house and slaughter a hog and we'll make some fresh pork belly breakfast sandwiches. The neighbors won't like that but maybe we can make them a sandwich. They're nice people. 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Breakfast Sandwiches #89 & #90 - Hot Tips aka I Swear This Isn't A Cooking Blog

Sandwich #89: Nueske's ham, smoked gouda, chicken egg, Cholula original hot sauce, Bay's multi-grain English Muffin
Location: The Laboratory
Date: April 24, 2017

Sandwich #90: Nueske's ham, American cheese, chicken egg, Cholula green pepper hot sauce, Bay's multi-grain English Muffin
Location: The Laboratory
Date: April 25, 2017

I've been getting a lot of hot tips lately on the sandwich front and I appreciate all of them. The first was regarding Bay's Multi-Grain English Muffins. I'm already a fan of Bay's but I hadn't tried the multi-grain so I knew I had to get on that. Then I heard that my local neighborhood market had Nueske's ham on sale for about half of the normal cost. (If you aren't familiar with Nueske's ham and bacon I'm not sure what you're doing here and it makes me feel a little bit like I've failed you). After that I stumbled across info on cooking an egg in a Mason jar lid to give it that fast food puck-like appearance. I knew I had to try that. Finally, I learned of the newest addition to the Cholula hot sauce family (and they are like family to me), the green pepper variety. Specifically, it was mentioned that the green pepper sauce is great on eggs.

On top of all that I cleaned my toaster oven on Sunday. After a trip to the grocery store(s), some time in the lab was clearly in order.

Although this is most definitely not a cooking blog the majority of the info that follows pertains more to cooking than simply enjoying delicious sandwiches. If that idea enrages you (which would be understandable) then it's best that you leave now or just skip ahead to the photos.

Let's talk about cooking those eggs. The larger, wide mouth jar lids are about the same diameter as an English Muffin and are clearly the right choice for this. The first time I tried it I didn't use enough cooking spray and I overcooked the egg a bit. This resulted in egg bits getting stuck to the edges of the lid. You can see these egg edge bits in the photo of #89 below, I peeled some off and plopped them on the ham. They look a little sad. I also waited too long before flipping the egg - I was waiting for the egg whites to set up before I flipped it and as a result the bottom was overcooked a bit. You can also see this in photos of #89 below. The egg is somewhat covered with Cholula original hot sauce but it's apparent that it is a touch overdone, at least for my tastes. I cooked the other side only for a minute or so but the yolk was mostly cooked through. Not bad, but not my intention.

When cooking the egg for #90 I used a lot more cooking spray, focusing on the edges of the jar lid. I flipped it when the whites were mostly set up. I used tongs on the edges of the jar lid and had a spatula ready to try to contain the egg should it try to escape. It held in the lid well but I flipped it a little aggressively and the yolk took a beating. You can see in photos of #90 below that I had broken the yolk as soon as I cracked the egg. They don't call me The Incompetent Chef (TM) for nothing. As with the last egg, I only cooked it on this side for a minute or so.

Aside from the broken yolk, egg #90 turned out much better than #89. You can see there is still some runny yolk. Overall I'm in favor of the jar lid cooking method. I'm not sure how often I'll do it but it makes for a beautifully stacked sandwich. Just look at those photos of #90 and tell me this research wasn't worth it. Even #89 looked good with the top on.

#89 Egg. My first attempt at cooking an egg in a jar lid. I have to admit I was a little bit excited about this.

#89. Egg bits that stuck to the jar lid evident in upper right.

#89. The top hides my egg flaws. That gouda melted nicely.

#89. The egg wasn't totally cooked through, but almost. 

#90 Egg. I broke the yolk right out of the gate.

#90. That turned out much better.

#90. Just look at it. LOOK! AT! IT!

#90. You can't beat Kraft American Singles for that gooey cheese effect. 
The Sandwich - Breakfast Sandwich #89. Nueske's ham, smoked gouda, chicken egg, Cholula original hot sauce, Bay's multi-grain English Muffin. I was worried that the smoked gouda would be too much with that delicious smokey Nueske's ham flavor. My concerns were unfounded, it blended nicely and had a good melt to it. As noted the egg was a bit overcooked. I like the multi-grain English Muffins, they have a slight nutty flavor to them and give the impression that perhaps this sandwich might be somewhat healthy.

The Sandwich - Breakfast Sandwich #90. Nueske's ham, American cheese, chicken egg, Cholula green pepper hot sauce, Bay's multi-grain English Muffin. The real goal here was to do a better job of cooking the egg. Mission Accomplished. However, I didn't want to make the same sandwich again, so I picked up some Kraft Singles and a bottle of the green Cholula. Those slices of American cheese melt so well and add a wonderful viscosity to a sandwich. They may not exactly be cheese but you can't beat the functionality and that salty flavor. They taste like a happy childhood. The green Cholula is also a winner - it has a bit more of a tangy, raw bite than the Original. I'll probably keep both on hand from here on out.

Results - These were damn fine sandwiches. That's all I have to say. This was an unprecedented amount of work in the lab for a Monday and Tuesday morning but the results speak for themselves.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Breakfast Sandwich #88 - Field Table aka I'm Flying Blind Here

Sandwich: Breakfast Sandwich
Location: Field Table
Date: April 15, 2017
Cost: $8

I received a hot tip that the facebook page for Field Table mentioned the first outdoor Farmers Market of the season and that they would have grab-and-go breakfast sandwiches. As luck would have it I had to drive through the downtown area in the morning and I had been wanting to get to Field Table for several months. I'm the kind of person that will only go to the Dane County Farmers' Market if I can be out the door by 8:00 am at the latest. Any later than that and I can't deal with the slack-jawed hordes of shuffling gapers. Having my progress impeded by puzzled people staring in wonderment at a pile of arugula sends me into fits of rage. I have accepted this and therefore my trips to the market are limited. It's better for everyone this way.

The written menu above the counter listed breakfast sandwich, but no details. They may have had a printed menu with more info but I didn't see it and I didn't ask for it. I'm not much of a journalist but I'm pretty good at eating.

At the counter they said they had to check with the kitchen to see if they had breakfast sandwiches as they sometimes only have them for brunch. Not surprisingly, at least for me, the news from the kitchen was that they were offering breakfast sandwiches and I ordered one to go.
I don't even know why I ordered it to go and then it came in a plastic container and I felt like a terrible person for having wasted petroleum products to make a container and I knew I was going to eat it right then and there. 

I was quite taken by those black and white sesame seeds.  

I didn't have a proper plate, or knife, so instead of the standard cross section shot you get a "first bite" shot.

The Sandwich - Breakfast Sandwich. As I said above, there was no description in sight so I didn't know what I was getting. What I got was bacon, a perfectly cooked egg and romaine lettuce on that sesame seed bun. The bun was fantastic, light but able to keep everything together. I swear I thought the black sesame seeds added a touch of earthy flavor but I looked it up just now and it seems that most people think the flavor difference is subtle at best. So, I'm probably full of shit about being able to taste the black sesame seeds, but the sesame seed flavor overall was a great addition to this sandwich. There was no cheese on this as far as I could tell. I thought there was some extra viscosity, besides the runny yolk of the egg, but I don't think it was cheese. Perhaps an aioli? If there was cheese it was sparse and light and melted right into the egg. The bacon was a little overly crisped for my tastes, it got a bit crumbly. I mentioned the chicken egg, which was perfect for me, leaving a bit of yolk in the container that I mopped up with the last of the bun. Romaine lettuce was a nice, healthy addition. 

The Result - 3.85 Mystery Sandwiches out of 5 Mystery Sandwiches. This was a good sandwich but the bacon was a bit overdone and I would have liked a bit of cheese (or more cheese). I think a sharp white cheddar would have really been something on this. I haven't been complaining about sandwich costs much lately but I think $8 is a little steep for this. I get it though, rent on the Capitol Square is not cheap. Also, I don't know kind of coffee they serve but it was excellent.