Breakfast Sandwich #147 - Dunkin' Donuts aka Beyond Reviews and Puppet Shows

Sandwich: Beyond Sausage Sandwich
Location: Dunkin' Donuts
Date: November 15, 2019
Cost: $3.99

Earlier in the week I was thinking that if I was any kind of cutting edge breakfast sandwich reporter I would be writing about this new fake meat sandwich that Dunkin Donuts now offers. It has the entire fast-food press pool vibrating with excitement. Sandwich based reporters from all corners of the country have been lighting up our Slack app with their musings. I had wished I was joining in but the Dunkin Donuts in my city are not near me and it would be silly to drive all around the town just to eat a Dunkin Donuts sandwich. The last time I had one it didn't go so well.

But I was intrigued. And then I realized my Friday commitments would take me within striking distance of a Dunkin' Donuts.

Before I get into the sandwich I need to touch on a few points.

Through our work in the lab and in the field, we have proven that it's possible to make an excellent breakfast sandwich without killing some animals. (What about the chicken egg? Huh? Blah-blah-fucking-blah...NO!) The secret to a great vegetarian breakfast sandwich is avocado. We know this. Is fake meat really necessary? I doubt it, but I had to find out firsthand. My point is that I wanted to try the "Beyond Meat" sandwich even though my gut tells me that fake meat is a scam put out by "Big Vegetable". That's right - it's a conspiracy. Wake up, people.

More importantly, I have to question why Snoop Dogg was chosen to help launch the Beyond Meat sandwich line. My initial thought when I heard that was "you gotta be higher than fuck to eat one of these sandwiches" cause that's what we associate Snoop Dogg with. Well, that and narrating animal videos. I guess he's a vegetarian now though and Dunkin is clearly all-in on trying to reach that crucial but elusive Gen Zinneal™ breakfast consumer. They're a fickle demographic.

This is it, the lone photo. I went to the drive-thru and took this after turning the car around so the sun would come in the window for better lighting.

The Sandwich - Beyond Sausage Sandwich. The only choice is American or White Cheddar cheese. I went with the American to make it more like a classic breakfast sandwich. Let's get right to the fake meat part - the patty size is ample. It looks good. It didn't have as much smell as I thought it would, usually these things immediately fill the car with their scent. The first taste that hits is black pepper, overwhelmingly so. I expected more fennel and salt but not so much. The flavor dissipates quickly after the bite, it doesn't linger on the tongue long. I'm not sure if we can blame that on the lack of a dead animal or something else. The consistency is a bit smoother than actual sausage and all these factors give it away as an imposter. If you were served this and nobody told you what it was but they kept looking at you funny while you ate it you'd think maybe they had snuck in some turkey sausage or tempe or soyage. You'd know they were up to something. Everything else is pretty standard fast-food breakfast sandwich quality - melty cheese, decently toasted English Muffin, puck egg with no runny yolk because once upon a time somebody ate an undercooked egg and thought they got sick. All the normal things you expect when somebody hands you a sandwich through a little window and directly into your car. By the way, here's a free idea for a place with a drive-thru window - put up some cute little curtains and have the employees do a little puppet show while consumers wait for their food. Get rid of that faceless speaker - people can order directly from the puppet(s). Bingo. Please send me my check for $1,000,000.00. Thank you.

The Result - 3.25 Ethically Treated Puppets out of 5 Ethically Treated Puppets. This sandwich was leaps and bounds better than sandwich #21 from Dunkin which contained actual bacon. That counts for something. Overall, the sandwich was fine. For $4 and given the circumstances, it was perfectly acceptable. If you're a vegetarian, tack on a few extra points. Yes, you'd be better off getting a sandwich from an actual restaurant - something with avocado and delicious cheese and a runny yolk. You'd prefer that. We'd all prefer that. If you're stuck in a position of limited options the Beyond Sausage Sandwich will suit you well. Will it last as a nationwide offering? Will enough people order it to keep it on the menu? The product itself probably has a much longer shelf life than meat. These places shake up their menus all the time so I won't be surprised if this falls off in 8 months after Snoop Doog has gone back to eating juicy ribeye steaks.

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Breakfast Sandwich #145 - Lab Sandwich on National Sandwich Day aka Throwing Our Vegetarian Friends A Bone

Sandwich: Lab Sandwich - Chicken Egg (puck style), Smoked Gouda, Avocado, Red Onion, Leftover Wheat Bun

Date: November 3, 2019

When I saw that National Sandwich Day was falling on a Sunday this year I knew that I would have to skip church and seek salvation in a sandwich. It's the only true path. Your absolution lies between the slices of bread. Accept this or be damned to an eternity of overly-mayonnaised sandwiches. The horror! I wouldn't wish that on most people but let's be honest - some folks don't deserve a good sandwich. 

My loose plan was to go out to one of my favorite breakfast sandwich joints and really wallow in the beauty of the day. That changed when I realized I had all the makings of a fine breakfast sandwich, sans meat. A lab experiment unfolded before my very eyes. A perfectly ripe avocado, leftover hamburger buns, smoked Gouda cheese, red onion. Never waste a perfectly ripe avocado.

The bun dictated that the egg be cooked puck style. We're going to go behind the scenes in the lab here for a minute while I confess that I broke the yolk of the first egg. I promptly ditched the egg and started over. Most days I would have gone with it but not on a National Holiday. I went outside, lowered my flag to half-staff and started over with a fresh egg. Somewhere a rooster crowed "Taps".

That Gouda didn't melt as Gouda as I would have liked it to but that avocado is in its prime.

That's the oozy yolk we strive for.

The Results - It was missing that salty and fatty flavor that dead animals provide but this was a real treat. Avocado and red onion are great together and a little Cholula Hot Sauce pushes it over the top. The Gouda didn't melt properly but did add a slightly smokey flavor - just not as much as bacon would have. Starting over with a new egg was the right move on this reverent day. 

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Breakfast Sandwich #120 - Introducing the Big MacMuffin?

Sandwich - The Big MacMuffin
Date: June 20, 2018

It started during a short road trip a couple of weeks ago. It was late morning and we decided to hit a McDonald's for a quick breakfast sandwich and get back on the road. From a scholars perspective my interest in a McDonald's breakfast sandwich was not particularly high that day having already reviewed them for #17, #66, #83, #95 and #97. From a road-trippers perspective I was ready for one. But it was late morning and I kind of wanted a Quarter Pounder. I wondered aloud if they might put an egg on it but we knew that they wouldn't. They aren't "Have It Your Way" Burger King or "Think Outside The Bun" Taco Bell. They are "Billions and Billions served" which is another way of saying "this is how we make it and you'll like it just like everybody else".

Without getting too long winded here I screwed up my order and ended up with a "Sausage McMuffin with cheese" which does not include an egg and costs $1.84. It was kinda sad but I got over it, eventually. No egg - no review. That's how it works around here.

A week later I started thinking about Big Macs and what if McDonalds made a breakfast sandwich version of the Big Mac? I can see why they wouldn't want to mess around with it - branding, menu diversification, easily confused consumers and all that. Sure.

That's what the lab is for.

I wanted all components of a Big Mac represented and I already knew the song so I didn't have to research that.

Two all beef patties = two chicken eggs + bonus bacon
Special sauce = mayo on the middle bun (the "club" bun), Cholula green sauce on the crown.
Lettuce = fresh garden mix
Cheese = two slices of American
Pickles = finely chopped giardiniera mix
Onion = red onion
Sesame seed bun - 1.5 English muffins

Methodology - the eggs were puck-cooked in large Mason jar lids. (Side note - I'm done with those things. No matter how much cooking spray you use the egg sticks and they are a pain in the ass to clean and I'm going to buy some non-stick egg rings and do it right.) I wanted to cook the eggs over medium but I was afraid the sandwich would just become a mess so I went a little further. There was no runny yolk on this day. The English Muffins were pre-toasted (a little too lightly) and the finely chopped giardiniera was put on the heel so the pieces could wedge into the nooks and crannies. A couple of pieces of bacon were placed on top. Egg #1 was added along with a slice of cheese. The club bun had mayo applied and was added to the stack. Fresh greens were next, followed buy egg #2, cheese slice #2 and red onion. Green Cholula sauce was applied liberally before the sandwich was "crowned".

Tantalizing

Same sandwich, different angle.

The Result - This was a winner even though there are a few improvements I could make. Toast the English muffin a bit more. Go for the runny eggs, why not? The cheese wasn't melted quite as much as I would have liked. Still, the flavors were there and nothing was overpowering. The giardiniera, bacon, hot sauce and American cheese all came together like champs. Those mixed greens made this a well rounded meal, right? The club bun was crucial so don't you dare say it was a gimmick. This was one of those sandwiches you pick up and don't put back down. It all paired nicely with a glass of cheap sauvignon blanc. I didn't try to cut this in half for a cross section photo, I knew it couldn't keep itself together.

I'll be forwarding this to McDonald's so they can add me to their board of directors or some other cushy position that only requires a few hours of work per month.

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Breakfast Sandwich #107 - Mac 'n Cheese 'n Bacon 'n Red Onion 'n More Cheese 'n Chicken Egg

Sandwich: Homemade Mac 'n Cheese, Bacon, Red Onion, Extra Cheese
Date: 12/23/2017

The Sandwich Sciences don't take a break for Christmas weekend particularly when there is leftover mac 'n cheese in the fridge that you know needs to be tested in the lab.

And so I was back in the lab massaging flavors and taking notes even though the vast majority of you would prefer I go to Sally Jo's Pancake Emporium and review her Grit's 'n Griddle Grinder breakfast sandwich. If that restaurant and sandwich existed I too would be excited to eat and review it. Sadly, it does not.

Let's get right to this. I had leftover mac 'n cheese. I had eggs. I had bacon. I had English Muffins. I had to do it. There was no way not to to do it.

Just a bit askew but packed with jaunty flavors.

This is a lousy angle but you can see the layers and that little pool of yolk back there.

The Sandwich - You already know everything that is on this sandwich. The key was having leftover mac 'n cheese. (That isn't the recipe I used but it's close and you know Southern Living doesn't fuck around when it comes to things like mac 'n cheese.) For this batch I used provolone and a medium sharp cheddar but it wasn't particularly creamy so I added thin slices of sharp cheddar to the sandwich which also functioned to hold the onion slices in place. A slice of American cheese would have been perfect but it wasn't happening. I toasted the English Muffin with the mac 'n cheese on one half and red onion, bacon and the sharp cheddar on the other half. The chicken egg was puck-cooked (Is that a term? It is now.) with a Mason jar lid which is really the best way to have an egg on a English Muffin. I have to say this egg turned out perfect. The only thing left to mention is that I added a liberal dose of green Cholula hot sauce which mingles well with eggs and red onion.

The Result - I don't rate the products of the laboratory but this sandwich was a super tasty humdinger and it's probably worth your time to make some mac 'n cheese just so you can make one of these the next day. The pasta was a bonus texture and since the mac 'n cheese was somewhat mild the salty bacon and red onion didn't push it too far. I was glad I added the sharp cheddar just for a little extra bite and the green hot sauce was not too much either. This sandwich was a champ and if I had been served it in the restaurant it'd be a strong contender for best of the year. (I think? I'm just throwing that out there without looking back at the year. That will happen soon though.) I thought I might need a fork to get it all but it held together despite being used to mop up yolk and the few bits of macaroni that escaped were easily plucked up with fingers. If you do make one of these remember that it's not a low calorie breakfast so maybe wait for a day when you're going to have to go out and shovel some snow or tear down a barn or wrassle gators or something. You can't eat this and then just go do spreadsheet things.

This continues to not be a cooking blog, but you know what? There is a lot of Honeybaked Ham in my life right now and I still have some eggs so I'm going to have to find a fresh experiment that uses ham. Maybe a ham and baked beans sandwich? I will state this right here, right now - I will review one more sandwich from a local establishment before I do my end of year wrap up. It might be the McDonalds on Verona Road but I will have one more sandwich at a restaurant before we close out this year. I feel like I owe you people.

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