Friday, November 15, 2019

Breakfast Sandwich #147 - Dunkin' Donuts aka Beyond Reviews and Puppet Shows

Sandwich: Beyond Sausage Sandwich
Location: Dunkin' Donuts
Date: November 15, 2019
Cost: $3.99

Earlier in the week I was thinking that if I was any kind of cutting edge breakfast sandwich reporter I would be writing about this new fake meat sandwich that Dunkin Donuts now offers. It has the entire fast-food press pool vibrating with excitement. Sandwich based reporters from all corners of the country have been lighting up our Slack app with their musings. I had wished I was joining in but the Dunkin Donuts in my city are not near me and it would be silly to drive all around the town just to eat a Dunkin Donuts sandwich. The last time I had one it didn't go so well.

But I was intrigued. And then I realized my Friday commitments would take me within striking distance of a Dunkin' Donuts.

Before I get into the sandwich I need to touch on a few points.

Through our work in the lab and in the field, we have proven that it's possible to make an excellent breakfast sandwich without killing some animals. (What about the chicken egg? Huh? Blah-blah-fucking-blah...NO!) The secret to a great vegetarian breakfast sandwich is avocado. We know this. Is fake meat really necessary? I doubt it, but I had to find out firsthand. My point is that I wanted to try the "Beyond Meat" sandwich even though my gut tells me that fake meat is a scam put out by "Big Vegetable". That's right - it's a conspiracy. Wake up, people.

More importantly, I have to question why Snoop Dogg was chosen to help launch the Beyond Meat sandwich line. My initial thought when I heard that was "you gotta be higher than fuck to eat one of these sandwiches" cause that's what we associate Snoop Dogg with. Well, that and narrating animal videos. I guess he's a vegetarian now though and Dunkin is clearly all-in on trying to reach that crucial but elusive Gen Zinneal™ breakfast consumer. They're a fickle demographic.

This is it, the lone photo. I went to the drive-thru and took this after turning the car around so the sun would come in the window for better lighting.
The Sandwich - Beyond Sausage Sandwich. The only choice is American or White Cheddar cheese. I went with the American to make it more like a classic breakfast sandwich. Let's get right to the fake meat part - the patty size is ample. It looks good. It didn't have as much smell as I thought it would, usually these things immediately fill the car with their scent. The first taste that hits is black pepper, overwhelmingly so. I expected more fennel and salt but not so much. The flavor dissipates quickly after the bite, it doesn't linger on the tongue long. I'm not sure if we can blame that on the lack of a dead animal or something else. The consistency is a bit smoother than actual sausage and all these factors give it away as an imposter. If you were served this and nobody told you what it was but they kept looking at you funny while you ate it you'd think maybe they had snuck in some turkey sausage or tempe or soyage. You'd know they were up to something. Everything else is pretty standard fast-food breakfast sandwich quality - melty cheese, decently toasted English Muffin, puck egg with no runny yolk because once upon a time somebody ate an undercooked egg and thought they got sick. All the normal things you expect when somebody hands you a sandwich through a little window and directly into your car. By the way, here's a free idea for a place with a drive-thru window - put up some cute little curtains and have the employees do a little puppet show while consumers wait for their food. Get rid of that faceless speaker - people can order directly from the puppet(s). Bingo. Please send me my check for $1,000,000.00. Thank you.

The Result - 3.25 Ethically Treated Puppets out of 5 Ethically Treated Puppets. This sandwich was leaps and bounds better than sandwich #21 from Dunkin which contained actual bacon. That counts for something. Overall, the sandwich was fine. For $4 and given the circumstances, it was perfectly acceptable. If you're a vegetarian, tack on a few extra points. Yes, you'd be better off getting a sandwich from an actual restaurant - something with avocado and delicious cheese and a runny yolk. You'd prefer that. We'd all prefer that. If you're stuck in a position of limited options the Beyond Sausage Sandwich will suit you well. Will it last as a nationwide offering? Will enough people order it to keep it on the menu? The product itself probably has a much longer shelf life than meat. These places shake up their menus all the time so I won't be surprised if this falls off in 8 months after Snoop Doog has gone back to eating juicy ribeye steaks.

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